Sooooooooo let me say first off that how I handled this situation is pretty much the opposite of how you want to handle this situation, but you have to make the call when it’s your turn. I in no way condone my actions and this was completely out of the normal for how I handle ‘stressful’ situations. Alright let’s get down to it, this is when I became a father (well it depends on when you consider one to be a father, conception or birth).
We were a young married couple still living the newlywed dream of sleeping in, eating out, and basically walking around naked all day long. During this time I already owned a house but we decided that we would try to sell it and upgrade so we would have a home for our future family to grow into. I checked all the numbers and figured we could stretch our budget a little bit since I was more established in my career and she was about to take the workforce by storm. We ended up settling on a new construction home that was pretty legit for what we were getting and what we were going to pay for it. I figured it wouldn’t be so bad over time because she would soon be contributing to the family fund and that would help alleviate any strain we might face. So I signed on the dotted line and we immediately started picking out all sorts of shit for that house; I’m talking about all the way down to the damn color of the grout in the tile in the master bathroom. We went and looked at pools and sheds and putting in a new back patio for barbeques, you name it I was trying to get it done. I remember looking in the mirror and just felling like Tony Montana thinking the world was mine, minus the mountain of cocaine.
Welp that lasted for a few short days because literally two week later after riding this high of being on top of the world… I now had to be introduced to everyone’s favorite friend when they’re living it up ‘Buzz Killington’. Yes, motherfucking Buzz Killington basically walked into my life with a shit eating grin and punched me in the dick. How you ask after having so my wins in my book? Let’s nestle up next to the light of the iPad and let me tell. We were able to sell our old house, which was awesome, but since I went with new construction it would take six months for the house to be built. With no place to live now where do you think we had to stay for the next six months? Oh yea, my in-laws house. Now we were very blessed to have family who could help us and I am forever grateful for their assistance but it’s not really where you want to be right after you get married. Is that all you ask? Nope. The whole damn home buying process got all messed up and we had to come up with a lot more money than anticipated along with dealing with a lot more red tape that almost got our loan canceled. Now these two things alone would cause me to sometimes drift in and out of various states of consciousness where I would just say ‘fuck’ to myself over and over. Nonetheless these were not serious problems that we could not overcome, just some new roommates and a little money, I knew we could battle back. BUT little did I know that ol’ fucking Buzz was there waiting in the shadows for me to walk around the corner for the finial nut tap.
I remember lying in bed with my wife just trying to unwind and watching a little TV in our cave (my affectionate nickname for our room at her parents’ house) wondering why she was being so quiet. After some time I reluctantly hit her with a ‘what’s up, how was your day?’ Boom, first fucking words out her mouth are ‘I think I’m pregnant’ (nut tap, dick punch, nut tap). – The following portion will refer to the beginning paragraph where I mention what you should NOT do. – Instantly I felt like O-Dog in the scene straight out of Menace II Society where they are at the store about to walk out and the guy behind the counter says “I feel sorry for your mother”. O-Dog looks back with the ice grill and says “what you say about my momma?” and then proceeds to shoot the place up (YouTube it). Literally the first words out my mouth were “you think you’re fucking what?” I mean my heart and brain are yelling at my tongue to shut the fuck up and my tongue is yelling back at my heart and brain “no, you shut the fuck you up or I’ll beat both your asses.” She just looks back at me shocked that I could say something like that and then begins to cry. – Talking to my wife now about this she will tell you that she just took everything that happened during this time and bottled it up (I know, healthy right) all she did was think about how she was about to be mother. – I then proceed to take it to the next level by telling her that you don’t tell me when you ‘think’ you’re pregnant, you only tell me when you KNOW you’re pregnant. During this time she actually worked at an OB GYN office so I told her to take a test at work the next day and then let me know (might have sounded more like, take a fucking test tomorrow and let me know asap). In that moment, to me, what I said to her made complete sense. My thoughts were that I didn’t see the point in both of us worrying until we knew for sure that she was pregnant. After I took a second from talking loudly (polite way of saying yelling) I realized that I had a brief moment where I could save myself from what I just did and get the train back on the track by comforting her and apologizing for being an idiot. Did I do any of that… fuuuccckkk no. My dumb ass got up and walked out the room and in to the den where I just sat in the dark, a million thoughts going through my head. It’s still confusing to me looking back on this night because I have genuinely always wanted to be a father. My childhood relationship with my parents was a little rough and I always wanted to have kids of my own so I could give them the type of relationship that I felt that I should have had. I feel that I can only equate it to wanting something so bad that when you finally get it, your brain scrambles for the right emotion to handle it and somehow my spinning wheel of emotions just stopped on dickhead. All jokes aside, I think it was simply fear and I took that fear as a weakness because I have always been so calm and calculated my whole life that now there was something that interfered with the algorithm. Sitting in that dark room I just questioned myself over and over if I was ready for this, would I be just like my father and let this kid grow up thinking that his father didn’t really love him. I was scared that all the shit I talked my whole life about how I was going to be the greatest father to my son would turn out to be bullshit. I stayed in the den most of the night thinking about what was about to happen and if I was ready for my calculated world to be turned on its side. I waited until she fell asleep before I went back in the room and went to bed. So you would figure a night to think about it and calm down that I would be prepared to talk and apologize to my wife in the morning… Nope. I get up, get dressed, and take my ass to work without saying anything to anyone. I sit there at my desk all morning just staring at my phone waiting to get the call or text. I finally get impatient and text her ‘So?’ and she text me back a picture of the ultrasound. I look down at my phone at what looks to be a lima bean sitting in the dark and simply just set the phone down, mind blown. I then proceed to add insult to injury and ignoring my wife for two whole days (I know, I know. Who the fuck does that?). Now I don’t mean ignore her by just avoiding her, I just didn’t talk to her. For two days I said as little as humanly possible to her, if she said “I love you” I would mumble something back in gibberish that could be interpreted as ‘I love you’ if that’s what you wanted to hear. Again, this is the wrong way to handle this situation. I got very little sleep during this time because all I could think about was being a father and being responsible for another life.
After that second day I woke up, took a deep breath, smiled and gave my wife big hug and told her I loved her (yes my moment of clarity). Boy I sound like a crazy person. I think for me it just clicked, I’m a type A personality and I refuse to lose. In that moment I just looked at myself and said “Stop being a pussy, you can do this. Nut the fuck up and be that father you always told yourself you were going to be.” I told her that we would get through this together and apologized like fucking crazy for being a gigantic asshole. She, being that amazing woman that she is, accepted my plea of remorse and gave me a kiss (I fucking love this woman) I still can give no good reason why I got so upset and why I chose to ignore her. My best guess would be that my mind had been blown so high to a point that it needed a few days to come back down from the damn stratosphere. It’s an interesting thing when you find out that you are about to be a father and it affects people in different ways, I would assume. Either way this is my sad and absurd story but this is how I (technically) became a father.
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