Breaking the fourth wall.

The fourth wall is a performance convention which an invisible, imagined wall, separates actors from the audience. While the audience can see through this “wall”, the convention assumes, the actors act as if they cannot.  I’m a little old fashioned in some aspects of my marriage and not so much in others.  So why the definition of ‘breaking the fourth wall’?  Let’s talk about the night when this wall was broken and my marriage was forever changed.  Dun Dun Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun

Now I’m not one of those old school husbands that believes that women should only do women’s work and the man rules the house.  It’s actually quite the opposite, I feel like a marriage should be a team effort with each person pulling the same weight.  We work together, make decisions together, and most importantly talk about all things that affect the household together.  Although to be honest voting power in my house is 51% to 47%, my wife happily agreed to let me be the majority stakeholder and gave up two of her shares to the kids.  I mean if you don’t believe me just ask her and she will confirm all of that, she is a very selfless woman haha.  With all that said, I still feel like there are some things that should still be kept separate.   For me this would be things like going to the bathroom or relieving gas in front of one another.  I know I know it sounds dumb.  I can’t tell you how many times I hear some couples talking about farting on each other or brushing their teeth in the same bathroom where their partner is taking a shit, that honestly makes me want to throw the fuck up (and not in front of my wife haha).  To me, that shit is gross.  I hear it now “oh but you are supposed to love your significant other unconditionally and blah blah blah.”  I get it, but not me bro.  One of the main reason I have so many bathrooms in my house is so I don’t have to deal with the dark (or should I say brown) side of marriage.

I remember the day that the fourth wall was broken in my marriage and it’s one that still makes me laugh, but also still makes me shake my head a little.  My new bride and I had just sold our home that was in BFE, signed the papers for the construction of our new house, and moved in with her family while the new house was being built.  We fell into our own little routine staying with the in-laws where we both worked during the day and then spent a little time together in the afternoon.  We would have dinner with the family, talk, clean up, and then retire to our little one room apartment (bedroom) to watch some T.V. before bed.  For general description, my wife likes the left side of the bed and I am always on the right.  Sometimes we lay close to one another for a short while but for the most part she likes to stay on her side of the bed, and thus I have to stay to mine.  Now this is mostly her choice, and she does not play when it comes to her ‘personal bubble’ when we are in bed.  Like no shit if I try to cross the “gig line”… BOOM a flash bang gos off and seal team sleep repeals from the ceiling with laser sights pointed at me telling me to return to my own side of the bed.  Over the years you get used to it, but I still enjoying messing with her from time to time (plus the men live in the ceiling need something to do from time to time).  So like I said we were lying in bed watching T.V. and she is on her side with her butt pointed towards me.  (I think you see where this is going).  The room is quiet, minus the sounds from the T.V., and I’m just lying there with her trying to relax.  It was a good vibe in the room because a sort of subtle calm had fallen over the room and all seemed right in the world… but then it happened.

I can only describe it as something like when you were a kid and you would pinch the air tube on a balloon and slowly let the air out.  It was one of those moments where you knew something just happened but you can’t really understand the moment, I somewhat equate it to being in an earthquake.  (If you have ever been in an earthquake then you know how freaky it is because your brain knows that the ground should not be moving but it can’t comprehend that the ground is moving or why.)  I remember feeling like I was stuck in slow motion as I slowly turn my head to face my wife with my head cocked to the side as if I was a confused puppy.  I then see that as slow as I am turning my head to my wife, she is turning her head to look back at me even slower.  Our eyes lock on each other and she has this look of pure terror on her face.  Her eyes are as wide as they can be with her bottom jaw just hanging there like she had literally been scared frozen.  We are both there with eyes locked in a moment not knowing what to say to one another.  In an instant a million thoughts rush through my head and I am sure the same is happening to her.  In my head I hear “Did she just fart?  No, that was the bed.  Of course she didn’t fart, right?  Yea it was the bed it was not her butt.  Girls don’t fart, well at least my girl doesn’t fart, right?  Everything is lie, everything I know is a lie.”  Now I quickly realized that this is a delicate moment, how I handled the next few minutes might shape the rest of my marriage…  (So you know I handled it like a G right?  WRONG!!! Man I tell you it is tough sometimes being a big child in a grown man’s body.  With our faces still trained on one another my lips begin to move and I say “YOU NASTY SON OF A BITCH!” I know, real mature of me.  My comments make her even more mortified and I see her lip start to quiver a little bit.  Brain: “Oh shit, we need to recover and fast.”  Quickly before letting things get too out of control I let out a big laugh and it puts her at ease because she can see I am only joking.   We both have a good laugh about the whole situation but to be honest, and I have never confessed this before, as I was laughing I was also thinking “eww girl you nasty.”  Needless to say that my wife is NEVER allowed to sleep with her dookie dump pointed in my direction anymore, I don’t like being in the line of fire of those cheeks.

I know that fourth wall between my wife and I has been forever broken, but I still don’t want to hear her dropping bombs from the ol’ salt shaker she has back there.  What makes me laugh even more is thinking about how all this changes when you have kids.  For some reason when my kids fart it is the funniest cutest thing in the world, well maybe not so much for my son anymore.  My son is older now and that butt trumpet is nothing nice, the kid will make your damn eyes water and he will laugh at your tears. I was sitting on the couch the other day and he jumped over me and pooted near my face, and I freaked out and called poison control.  Real talk, there is something wrong with his ass.  My daughter on the other hand is learning from her older brother and thinks it’s hilarious to booty toot, but she is still so little that it’s cute.  My daughter farts it’s “Awww baby girl do you have gas?  You little cute baby farter you.”  My son farts it’s “Get your nasty ass in the shower and wash your butt.  Babe, I’m sorry but your son farted and we need to burn the house down and start over.”

We all know everyone farts, except me, but try and keep that air biscuit to yourself as long as possible.  Remember, once you break the wall in your relationship you can never go back.  And for you couples out there still thinking that I’m crazy and you guys love farting on each other, I get it… but yo ass is still nasty hahaha.