I know you are only 5 and you won’t be able to read this until you are a little older, and you really won’t be able to fully understand this until you are even older, but there are few things I want to share with you.
Let’s take it all the way back shall we.
The day your mother and I found out that we were going to have a baby was an interesting one to say the least (see previous posts). The day we found out that you were going to be a boy was another even more interesting day. See, your father would have bet the farm that they were going to tell us that we were having a girl. I don’t know why I was so sure, but you couldn’t tell me any different. I felt like the universe was always sending me signs. There used to be this damn song that came on the radio with the line ‘this girl is on fire.’ That damn song came on the radio like 20 times an hour, and every time I heard it I would just say ‘shit, here we go.’ At the OB appointment I remember sitting there in the ultrasound room looking up at this giant monitor on the wall just waiting. The ultrasound tech hit your mother with some belly goo and then mushed her wand all over mom’s belly, and within a few seconds… BOOM two little baby balls (I have the picture to prove it) pop up on the screen all up close and personal. (Thinking about it now, you definitely got the first ‘deez nuts’ joke on your father haha.) The tech say ‘looks like we are having a boy.’, at least that is what I think she said because your father didn’t hear a damn thing. It’s hard to describe the feeling that rushed through my body at that moment, but I do remember that my brain went into overdrive and started thinking about a million things at once. ‘A boy, I’m having a boy.’ I just said it over and over and over and over in my head as my eyes started to water. I know that I wanted to jump up and down and scream out that I was having a boy but I had to keep it cool, I mean, I didn’t even know you yet so I didn’t want you get a big head so early. I do think I let one tear fall but I threated the other ones to say put because men are not allowed to cry (the only exception is when you win the championship game, I’m just kidding… or am I).
In that moment I told myself that it didn’t matter what anyone else said or did, but that I was going to do everything I could to be there for you, raise you right, raise you tough, and make you a man that would be able to handle this crazy world. As you started to grow in mom’s belly, I would talk to you about all kinds of stuff. We would discuss music, food, sports, tools, fast cars, women, sports, books, being tough, sports, and how much I (we) couldn’t wait to meet you. While in that that belly I would tell you the proper way to catch a football, how to change a tire, to chase your dreams, having street smarts, have loyalty, be a leader, and to always protect your family. I would sing to you, you were a big fan of DMX haha, but often I would just sit with you and listen. Often thinking to myself ‘My boy, that’s my boy in there.’ I dare you to find another dad that was as proud of his unborn son as I was (I’m sure it’s the same for all dads, at least the good ones). Then you were born and holy cow did I regret ever getting your mother pregnant… just kidding. People always talk about how good their babies were (are) or how easy they were (are). Nah, they are all talk because son you were an easy baby. You would not believe how scared we were to bring you home from the hospital and out into this crazy world, but you held in there like a champ. It’s like you could sense our fear but you knew it was going to be all good. For safekeeping, we kept you in our room for a few months but then had to move you into your own place. It was tough in the beginning, I’ll be honest. Those first couple weeks I had to fight back my worry for you making it through the night alone and keep myself from going into your room every night to make sure you that you were still breathing and alive. I did checks constantly in those early days, ‘Is he breathing, did he roll over, is there something covering his face?’ I do not miss those nights. There were a few what I would call ‘fun nights’ but I think you just wanted to keep us on our toes.
As the days, weeks, and months passed by I watched you mold yourself into your own little man with your own little personality. Through all that, there was one thing that remained constant, your damn appetite. Holy cow boy did you love to eat. Your poor mother’s boobies, that’s all I can say. You better make sure you get her something nice every year for mother’s day. That woman tried her damnedest to keep up production of the boob juice for you, but your thrust was unquenchable. Honestly, I think you were the only baby that had oatmeal in their bottle before being 3 months old… (We didn’t find out that this was no no until much later, but oh well). You were not a fan of tummy time but as you just read, you were a huge fan of the bottle. This allowed me to exploit your weakness and get you to move around. ‘How so’ you say. Well, when it was feeding time I would put your bottle on the floor in front of you just out of reach. If you wanted it, you had to earn it. Once you started getting good at wiggling to get your bottle, I would move it further and further away which made you learn to crawl. Once you were crawling then I would place your bottle higher up so you would have to stand, and obviously once you could stand I would make you walk for it. Nothing was easy when dad was around. I know I sound mean, and honestly I was (am). Don’t think it was all fun and games for dad. I paid the price in those early days with your mother from time to time; she would get on my ass more times than I can remember. She will tell you… she thought I was being too mean or being too tough. I can’t tell you how many times I heard ‘Jose… he’s only (insert number)!!!!’ I would just say to myself ‘whatever, life ain’t easy so I’m not going to make it easy for him.’
As the walking came so did the words. Your first word was ‘dada’, I have the video evidence to prove it. Now this did not make your mother very happy but you can only imagine how it made me feel. During this time you were so curious about the world that we could not take our eyes off you. You would either be pulling a gate down, climbing up stairs, opening doors, putting something in your mouth, standing on chairs, jumping off stuff, or doing any number of other things to scare the shit out of your parents. I remember the first time you fell down the stairs (yes I said ‘first time’ to indicate that it happened more than once). You climbed all the way to the top while we were cooking dinner and out of nowhere, I hear a thud and scream from the other room. Like the damn Flash, ask mom, I sprinted to the stairs and caught you midair after you already hit about 4 stairs on the way down. Some tears and a few red marks but you were ok. As per the norm I would simply say ‘hush it up, shake it off.’ There were many other ‘close calls’ with you… you somehow pushed your finger into the oven and burned your finger or you cut your hand open on a measuring tape or the many skinned knees or knocking your head more times that I can count or busted your mouth open… but luckily you were always ‘OK’. You’re OK right?
There were times when I would be alone with my thoughts and I would wonder if I was doing the right thing in my method of raising. I would ask myself if I was pushing you away, sort of like my dad (grandpa) did with me. I would question myself constantly but I would always go back to the same place… stay the course. I never stopped son, I always kept, and will keep, the heat on you. Son I know you are only 5 but I can say through all that… you are truly one tough one of a kind little kid. I won’t say that it is all because of your dad or because I was tough on you, but I will say that I do see me in you (and even some of your mother, she legit is one tough bird). You are hard headed and determined like me but you are also caring and kind like your mother. I always smile knowing that you got the best of both your mother and I, even though I get mad from time to time at the ‘soft stuff’ that you picked up from mom. You are you. You soak up everything like sponge and you won’t stop talking until someone listens to everything you have to say. Seriously dude, you never shut up (get that from your mother). In one of your daycares, they used to call you ‘mocking Jay’ because you just repeated things you heard and wouldn’t give it up. At almost 5 your imagination blows me away with the stories that you come up with and the adventures you want to go on. Honestly, the other night you were telling mom and I that you wanted to go to London and also to Egypt so we can see the pyramids. Like honestly WTF, where does that come from? I wanted to drink soda, eat candy, and stay up late at your age. But you know what son… we will go to those place. If you dream it up, we will make it happen. If nothing else, you need to understand that nothing can stop you but you. I didn’t have those opportunities growing up but I will make sur that you do… if you earn it of course.
Son, right now I can promise you a few things as we continue to take this journey together through life. I promise that I will be here for you regardless of circumstance. I promise that I will keep my expectations for you higher than what you will ever think you can achieve. That’s not because I want you to fail, it’s because I always want you to prove me wrong. I want you to never settle for what they tell you that you can have but always go after the things they said you could never have. There is a method to my madness and you will understand it all one day. I promise to teach you how to shave, drive a car, talk to girls, cook your own meal, work with tools, build stuff, throw a ball, catch a football, smile tell jokes, and shake hands. I promise to let you be you, whoever that turns out to be. Above all, my number 1 promise… I promise that I will always love you. Daddy and Bro Bro. Enjoy your day little man because I know that I will.
“The best of y’all remind me of myself when I was younger. When it was hunger that stopped a brother from goin’ under. And you wonder, why I pat you on your head, smile. Look in your eyes and thank the lord for my child. Meanwhile, somethin’ I gotta show you and I hope you can take it. Gotta leave you in the desert, and I hope that you make it. Gotta put you on your ass to see what it does to you. When you stand up and see that I’m just showin’ love to you…” Happy Birthday Day my son.
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