Have you ever tasted breast milk?

So let me start by answering my own question… Yes, yes I have tasted breast milk.  Now I know that it’s not some super exclusive nectar of the gods, although some would argue it is, but boobie juice is not something that folks would normally come in contact with.  Probably even less of a percentage, other than our little tax write-offs, have ever tasted it.  So the obvious question is, why and or how did you taste this exclusive top shelf beverage?  Well, I bet you don’t see this one coming…

It all went down with my first child, my son.  My wife had an interesting time keeping up with her production for the little guy because he was fat boy.  My man was an eater and a cluster feeder, and did I mention fat boy?  My wife was determined to breastfeed and keep up production to try to help us save money.  During this time, we had just built a new house, got a new dog, and were simply in a different place financially.  My son learned early on that if he got cranky, then it was straight to the boob for him.  Despite dealing with enlarged breast, sore nipples, and fatigue… my wife always picked him up and saddled him up at the trough.  Being that is was our first child we didn’t know a lot of the things you tend to pick up through those first few (scary) months of being a parent.  My wife soon started to feel more pain and discomfort in her boobs.  We thought something might be wrong but just thought that it was a normal thing with breastfeeding.  It was not until a fever set in that we figured something was actually pretty wrong, and we called the doc.  The doctor calmly explained that my wife was suffering from what is called mastitis which is an infection of the breast tissue usually caused by a backup of milk in the milk ducks (see you just learned something right there).

Dad Pro Tip: If your wife’s breast are larger/stiffer than normal when breastfeeding and they having more pain or even feeling warm, try and get them to their doctor.  I don’t know from personal experience of the pain/discomfort but you will know when it’s not normal ‘pain’.  Plus if you have not had a child before or have talked to someone with mastitis before, you may not know what to look for.  Mastitis is actually pretty simple to treat and can be diagnosed on the phone, get a prescription, and get her on her way to recovery.

‘So where does the part come in of you drinking mammary milk?’ I’m getting there, sit tight.  So we got past this bout of mastitis only to find ourselves shortly after with another case of mastitis.  WTF, I mean my son is eating like crazy but my wife is still having these issues. Again we call the doc, get the meds, and are back on the road to recovery.  Now these things just happen.  We learned that it had nothing to do with what my wife was not doing, and just more to do with how much milk she was producing (and yes she was also pumping).  She then soon after noticed a hard feeling lump and pain in her right breast, and of course we start to have a mini freak out.  Hard lumps usually don’t mean that there is something good going on.  I tried to keep it cool and composed as to not add any hysteria to the situation and went to ‘the google’ for answers.  We read that she could be dealing with what was described as a clogged milk duct, and not something more severe.  ‘The google’ said that this was a natural occurrence and to continue breast-feeding on that side, pump, as well as massage the area while feeding/pumping.  Cool, sounds easy right?  Well looking at the pain on my wife’s face while trying to massage the knot and feed my son at the same time gave me the impression things didn’t feel all that awesome.  Basically she sat there fighting back tears from the pain and hoping that my son was strong enough to get that knot out.  Welllllllllllll… my son could not get the job done so we tried the pump annnnnnnnddddddd the pump also failed us.  So knowing how tired my wife was and how frustrated and in pain she was in, I decided to call in the lefty (I’m not left handed, just sounds cool).

So looking into my wife’s eyes, I say ‘hey babe, I’ll get in there if you need me to.’  Now I tend to tell a lot of jokes to ‘try’ to be the funny guy but my wife knew I was serious.  She thinks it over a bit and says ‘OK, we need to do something to get this knot out’.  So we took a deep breath, took care of our son, got him off to bed, and went to our bathroom to take a shower (something we often did).  I lit a couple candles, got some Boys 2 Men playing, and sprinkled some flower petals on the floor.  No seriously, that is how it happened.  I mean that is how I remember it haha I think we were still in that ‘no touching’ time period so anything would have seemed romantic to me haha.  Anyway, we got in the shower and made sure the water was nice and warm.  She tried to prep the area by massaging the knot a bit in hopes that this would break it up a bit.  I stand there like a second string quarterback waiting to get in the game, just waiting for coach to call my number.  We make eye contact and I get the nod.  I give that areola a good stare down while planning my attack.  And like a young bronco cowboy, I latched on to that thing with all my might trying to not get bucked off.  Seconds feel like forever as I begin the extraction process but nothing is coming out.  She is massaging and I am suck and I am sucking and she is massaging trying not to feel defeated, but then SHAZZAM…  My mouth gets filled with an explosion of warm semi-sweat fluid.  Immediately I turn my head to the left and spit (insert dirty joke here haha).  ‘Did I get it?’ My wife says ‘I think so.’ and we both just have a laugh.  We have brief hug and finish the shower.

That was the ONLY time I ever tasted tata juice.  But I will tell all you fellas out there that there are few other things that will bring you closer to the mother of your child then tasting a mouthful of her liquid libation hahaha.  As the Most Interesting Man in the World would say ‘Stay thirty my friends.’