So I think it is important that we take some time to talk about an under discussed topic… dads taking shots directly in the baby batter factory, aka his nuts. This is a pandemic event on a global scale and it gets little to no media or news coverage (although it gets plenty of social media coverage, this is not the same). People don’t understand how tough it is to be a dad when you have little people that have little arms and little legs and obviously don’t understand how much anger is created inside of daddy when daddy gets hit in the nuts… Sorry, mini rant. Let’s walk it back now. Fellas I apologize for the groans and stomach pains that are about to be headed your way, but the world needs to know our pain.
When we help bring a little person into this world, our hearts are filled with love and hope for that little baby. We look into the eyes of that baby and tell them all the things they will be able to have and do in life. We kiss those little hands and feet, turn into goofy idiots talking about how cute and small they are, and giggle about how we just want to eat them up. Little do we know that those little hands and feet will grow and turn in to weapons of death and destruction, yes I said death. Each time a testicle is hit, members of that testicle family pass away. Murdered, never to have the chance to grace a toilet bowl, tissue, shower floor, body part, sheets covered in shame, fertile egg, or even a fishbowl (yes fishbowl. Dave Chappelle – Killing them softly, look it up). I can’t tell you how many times I’ve taken a shot in the old undercarriage before I had kids, but I am sure it was a lot. Thinking about it now, I’m sure I can’t even fathom how high that number is after having kids. The sad part of all that is that I do far less dumb ‘boys being boys’ shit now that I’m older. Seriously… In my younger day, it was common practice to smack your bestfriends right in the bodangles just to laugh at them. “Hey, take a bow. SMACK.” “ Hey, bag tag you’re it. SMACK” “ . SMACK “(The last one was the silent assassin smack) The shit always went too far and someone always got mad, but I’ll be damned if the next day we were not right back at doing the same dumb shit.
For clarification ladies, I’m not saying little kids just run around smacking dads in the nuts. No no no. These damn kids are have no clue what there little appendages are doing as they free float throughout your personal bubble. Pick a kid up, boom, leg to the groin. Sit on the couch, boom, full body weight on the family jewels. Just walking around your own damn house, boom, kid runs slap ass right into the jingle bells. Hey dad, looks like you are trying to sleep. WRONG. Coming off the top ropes with the peoples elbow right into the spunk bunker. WTF man. So all I’m asking is that the next time you ask dad what is wrong and he simply puts one finger in the air to signal you to give him a minute… please just give him a minute. There are a lot of different pains in life, but there is NOTHING that compares to taking a direct shot to the ol’ coin purse… NOTHING!!!
Obviously I’m going to close the loop on this argument. I can hear it now… ‘What are you talking about? Try giving birth; having a baby is much more painful. There is nothing that compares to the pain of have a (insert height/weight of said baby here) come out of something that is not supposed to stretch that big.” I get it and I’m not disputing that, but all I’m saying is our pain is worse. Still not convinced? Then call some friends and give this little quiz. Ask your friends that are mothers if they would have another child, I’m sure the majority of them would say ‘yes’. Now call some guy friends and ask them if they would like to get hit in their 2 piece nugget meal, I guarantee that all of them would say ‘NO’. Think about it. #micdrop
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