The No Kid Parent. If you are a parent of actual children (human children), then you may already be laughing at the one dumb person in your circle that you know I’m talking about. Usually their name is Karen or Chad or something dumb and simple like that haha. And if you are like ‘huh, what does he mean by ‘no kid parent’?’ Here, let me set the stage for you like a throwback high school drama class.
Scene: It’s Monday morning and you just come into the office. You engage in a conversation with your single ‘work friend’. You are the parent of an actual child (human child), and the person playing Coworker 1 has no children (human children).
Coworker 1: Hey how was your weekend?
You: Busy. My son had practice, my daughter had gymnastics, we had to go to two birthday parties on Saturday, and then I spent Sunday trying to get ready for the next week by doing laundry and getting the house cleaned up. So is was another short weekend trying to get everything done. You?
Coworker 1: Wow, yea I know what you mean. For sure, kids make life busier. I was a little busy myself, I watched a few movies on Netflix and did a little shopping online.
End Scene.
Did you catch it? Look, I love my no kid parent people, but why the hell do they always try to sympathize with people that actually have kids? You know what I mean? Seriously… you know what I mean, right? I get that you just want to be helpful or supportive, but let me stop you right there, you don’t know shit about the struggle my friend haha. You have no kids, and that’s OK, but don’t make it seem like you know the battle of having to manage every waking minute or every single day of a child’s life. I noticed you said that you watch a couple movies on Netflix, yea was that it…. Netflix. Meanwhile I’m over here trying to figure out a gift for a 4 year old girl that is hypo allergenic and a 6 year old boy that can’t have anything with the color blue in it, both of which I could care less about but have to go to their birthday party because they are in my kids class, also while trying to keep my own damn kids from putting toys in the cart, and fighting off a wife who keeps bringing me shirts to look at because they will look ‘cute’ on our daughter. Oh wait, actually… I did watch a few movies on Netflix this weekend. I mean I watched a movie a few times, Moana always gets better by the tenth playback. But yea I know what you mean, that selection on Netflix is pretty robust bro.
Now I say all that jokingly, I love my no kid parents. They annoy the ever loving shit out of me at times, but I love them. I know they don’t mean any harm, they are simply just trying to relate to us real parent warriors out there. Honestly, I really believe it’s a societal thing, that willingness to please and make sure everyone is happy (I’ll rant about that in a different blog lol). But in all seriousness (sort of serious), no kid parents please just stay in your own lane. If your life is awesome and you sat around naked eating Doritos in tub full of guacamole watching a Sylvester Stallone movie marathon without a care in the world all weekend, I salute you. Own it, live that life and don’t feel guilty for all the free time you have to do whatever the hell you want with. I chose to be parent (and by parent, I mean to an actual child, not a dog or a plant, or some other dumb ass object that people feel they have a weird maternal instinct to. If you are one of those people, you don’t count (another blog down the line lol)) and I fully accept my role in this whole equation. I chose to sign up for kids fighting, underwear, getting hit in the nuts, a wife with sore boobs, answering a million dumb questions about why something is the way that it is, and having to plan my life around little tax deductions that feel they are the center of the universe. But yea, I know what you mean bro.
I can hear it now, ‘But I have dog babies…’ ‘But I babysit my niece (or nephew or neighbors kids or blah blah blah).’ No. no No NO. Stop it. You damn well know that none of those count the same as a human child (see how I closed that loop there in referring to ‘human’ throughout this story). And honestly if that is your argument, then you have already lost any argument you will ever have with someone that has an actual HUMAN child. Oh your dog baby ate the wrong thing and pooped on the rug??? Yea my one-month old daughter laughed, then sneezed, and then shit her diaper so bad that it went up all the way to her neck, got on me, the rug, the furniture, and I think a little bit in my mouth. But yea, dog babies are tough bro.
So, to the real human parents out there getting it done every weekend then having to deal with the no kid parent on Monday, just know you’re the real MVP. And if you ever get to a point where you can’t take it anymore with your no kid parent, simply say ‘shut yo’ ass up.’ and walk away (that usually works for me. 😉)
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