There are a few people that are going to read this post and be filled with anger and disgust as they lower their monocle saying “How dare you good sir? How dare you speak to an innocent child that way?” And then there are most that will read this and shoot me the clapping hands, high five, or fist pound emoji (my kind of people). Either way, you will be able to relate not matter what side you are on (even if you lie to everyone else about it).
I’m going to let everyone know a secret that ALL parents really need to hear. It is 100% OK to call your child an asshole. ‘Wait… what? What did he just say?’ Now hold on… don’t just stop reading there and start hollering for your child to come into your bedroom so you can call him or her an asshole. Or jump off the toilet, run into their room while they are taking a nap, wake them up, wave your finger in front of their face, and call them an asshole. No, do not do that. There are rules to this shit, you can’t just go calling children assholes because I said it was OK. Let’s discuss.
You are allowed to call your child an asshole under your breath or in your head as many times as you would like. You have unlimited ‘asshole tickets’ to use when you are talking amongst friends (not in the presence of children) or texting with said friends. If your child can’t read, then you can write them a note that details why they are an asshole while calling them an asshole in said letter. However, you are only allowed to directly call your child an asshole, to their face, no more than let’s say… 6 times a year. Look I don’t make the rules, I am just trying to spread the word. Now with the 6 a year rule… ‘There are a few, uh, provisos, a, a couple of quid pro quos’ (See what I did there? Reference 1992 Aladdin because 2019 Aladdin is what I like to call ‘trash city’.)
This is where you really need to pay attention. Calling a child an asshole is NEVER ok, but it is understandable. And since you only having 6 golden tickets, you want to make sure that you can take advantage of any loopholes. Review the list below for all exceptions regarding use of the word asshole towards your child WITHOUT having to give up one of your asshole tickets.
- You’re at a restaurant with friends and child keeps acting up – Asshole
- You’re trying to do anything in the bathroom (Shower, poop, pee, brush teeth…) – Asshole
- You buy your child a toy and they complain about said toy or asks for another toy – Asshole
- Complaining about going to bed – Asshole
- When you tell them to not do something and they do it anyway – Asshole
- When they say you look fat – Asshole
- Inadvertent kick, punch, hit, headbutt to the nuts – Asshole
- Wakes you up early on your day off – Asshole
- Eats the last rice crispy treat – Asshole
- Knocks on the door when you are trying to have a little adult hide the pickle time – Asshole
- Asks you to wipe their butt right after you sit down to eat something – Asshole
- If the child calls you an asshole – Asshole
- If the child tells your significant other about something you told them not to – Asshole
- Any crying baby (including mine) – Asshole
- Generally just being a child, but doing it a little too loudly – Asshole
Look, between us parents, it’s OK to call your child an asshole at any time. WE ALL DO IT. In fact, each one of us started off life as an asshole after conception (Yep, that’s some real shit so look it up. The very first thing to develop after conception is the anus.) so it’s only natural for children to act like assholes. In all seriousness though, I say most all this in jest lol. Please know that it does not make you a bad parent to use the word ‘asshole’ in moderation in front of your children. Society tells us that we can no longer be ‘tough’ on our children which, when you think about it, has only created a bigger generation of assholes. BUT if you legit call you child an asshole all the time for no reason, then that just means you’re a shit parent, probably shouldn’t have children, and you might need to get some help. (Dammmmmmnnnnnnnn, ending with the heat)
So from one asshole to another, we all have little assholes but make sure they know that even though they are assholes… you love them.
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