Riding A Bike

I never understood the saying, ‘it’s as easy as riding a bike.’  First off when you think about what it takes to be able to ride a bike, you might not think it is so easy.  We all at some point had to start with training wheels or with someone holding us up while we figured out which way was straight and how to balance.  Then once you actually started pedaling, you had to figured out how to dodge moving/non-moving objects, not run into shit, or not curb stomp your own face.  Sooooo, what’s easy about riding a bike again?

Why all this talk about riding bikes you ask???  Well as everyone should know, I (we) have a new baby and she is now 5 months old (hence me taking for damn ever to get a post out).  The one phrase that everyone kept telling us when we were pregnant was that having another baby was like ‘riding a bike’.  I would always ignore these comments because I don’t really care for other folks’ opinions, but after being in the fire for a few months, I felt that it was time to address this claim and debunk the ‘it’s like riding a bike’ myth.

Last time I checked, a bike didn’t fucking cry at all hours the day.  Let’s just get that one out the way first.  You don’t have to wake up all hours of the night to make sure your ‘bike’ is ok or feed your ‘bike’ or change your ‘bike’ or hold your ‘bike’ or make dumb ass sounds to with your mouth to calm your ‘bike’ down.  A bike is just a bike and it don’t need shit.  When we were pregnant and people would say having another baby is like riding a bike, I would just laugh.  I’m 5 months in to number three and if someone says that shit now, it just sends me into a parental rage.  I honestly just wanted to throat punch them.  Like one of those good deep disrespectful throat punches.  The look you deep in the eyes and throat punch you and as you fall to your knees grasping for air, and I’m still locked in eye contact with you so you know never to say dumb shit again.

“Damn, he sounds crazy.’  Yes, as a matter of fact I think I am crazy.  I feel like I am starting to make my long journey back from this vision quest of crazy, but baby number three made me certified in the crazy department.  I would love to tell you all that I am just joking and we can all have a big laugh about it, but that wouldn’t be the truth.  Honestly baby number three has been one of the hardest things that I have gone through emotionally, physically, and mentally.  Sounds cold blooded but it’s true and sometimes we just need to be honest with ourselves and the people around us so that we can get the support we need to continue on.  I love my little lady, it’s still crazy to me to say that I have ‘girls’ but I would honestly trade their asses for a pack of Newport’s and a strawberry soda right now, and I don’t even smoke (alright I’m joking).

The first two months of her young life were something that I never experienced before and hopefully will never have to live through again.  My first two kids were seriously as easy as Sunday morning, they didn’t cry much, slept through the night pretty early, and they were easy to please.  Little miss number three is a pistol, 44 magnum… Dirty Hairy style.  Basically, her mentality was fuck sleep, let’s scream.  This girl would not sleep and all she wanted to do was scream at the top of her lungs all day and night.  She cried so much that she started to lose her voice, honestly.  It’s fucked up but I was so done with her crying that I was hoping it would happen, it did not, all we got was a raspy cry until her voice got better.  Sounded like an old dog barking at shadows because it can’t see well anymore.  I remember being so irritable that the littlest things were setting me off and I was getting mad a dumb shit.  I seriously think I got into an argument with my wife about who touched my cup.  It’s not even a special cup but I noticed it was moved to a different side of the counter and I lost my shit.  I was angry because I couldn’t figure out why my daughter was crying all the time, I was angry because I couldn’t figure out how to get her to stop.  I was angry that I had another kid and put myself (and my wife) through all this bull shit.  It was tough to say the least, but like all things it got better.  Something happened around two months and she started to smile, and sleep better, and form her own little personality.  I don’t know what it was but I am grateful because I think I was close to steering my truck into a large tree on the side of the road so I could finally get some rest.  Not funny but funny but still not that funny (but still a little funny).

If I could share some advice with people going from one to two or from two to three, it wouldn’t be ‘it’s like riding a bike’ (fuck I really hate those people).  After first calling them a stupid son of a bitch and then laughing at them, I would then just tell them straight up that it’s difficult.  Shit ain’t like riding no bike hommie, and if you are struggling then you need to talk about what you’re going through with someone.  Communicate with your partner and let them know you are on the struggle bus.  I’d say, it’s ok to have a beer in your dark closet if you need it (maybe cry a little).  Just because your baby is crying does not mean they need anything, they might just be an asshole (mine was).  So now I hope we all understand that bikes are bikes and babies are babies, and if you don’t… then please do the world a favor and buy a bike instead of making a baby.