‘STFU’

It’s been day whatever since we have been in quarantine or in this stay-at-home order, but I promise you that I probably wake up saying the same thing every morning…  ‘What do you say?’ you ask.  Well I start my day, go throughout my day, and end my day saying the same thing… ‘Shut the fuck up.’  I know it sounds a little harsh, right?  Like why would I start and end my day like that?  Why would I say it several times throughout the day?  I mean I feel like the answer is easy but let me oblige you.  It’s because of these fucking kids’ man.  (Let me preface this, I love my kids.  They are my everything, but damn damn damn.)

Let’s start at the top of the morning.  9-month-old with no sense of time or common courtesy for the people that take care of her, wipe her ass, feed her, cloth her, and generally show her love and affection.  This little fucker likes to wake up before the sun has even considered it’s time to rise.  This baby has zero chill.  It would be helpful if she realized we were in a damn quarantine and daddy doesn’t have to wake up at the ass crack of dawn.  Right now I’m just trying to make it from one day to another, sometimes brushing my teeth and sometimes not (just kidding, I brush them everyday people).  Despite my best efforts to inform her of the errors of her ways, she still wakes up ass early.  Really I don’t mind that she wakes up early, the waking up early doesn’t bother me.  It’s the waking up early and screaming for no damn reason… now that what grinds my gears.  Thus, I end up starting my day off first thing with a good ‘shut the fuck up’ kid.  Before you freak out, she can’t hear me because of her small baby ears and brain.  Proven fact that babies are unable to comprehend curse words before the age of 1, look it up.  It doesn’t really do anything to change the situation, but it does better my mood to say it.  It’s refreshing… like when that cool flushable wipe hits the Texas cornhole for the first time.

Shortly after the baby is up and running my oldest will make his way into my room to inevitably ask for something.  Most of the time it’s some kind of grandiose breakfast request.  Seriously.  This little mother fucker will come into my room and be like ‘Dad, can you make me biscuits, bacon, sausage, and some of those mini pancakes for breakfast?’  Now since he is older, I can’t just be blurting out profanity like that.  Plus my wife is right next to me in bed and that shit ain’t going to over well with her, so he gets hit with the mental ‘shut the fuck up’ then i hit him with ‘Bruh, I pay the bills around here and I don’t even get biscuits, bacon, sausage, and mini pancakes on command.’  You better get your ass a bowl and some cheerios like the rest of us homie.’  That’s really just the beginning of the ‘STFU’ instances with my boy.  Honestly, he is the only one in the house that has all day running ‘STFU’ mental comments from me.  I love the kid but all he does is ask for shit all day long, and by all day I mean all damn day.  ‘Can I have this; can I have that?  Can I eat this; can I eat that?  Can we watch this; can we watch that?  Daddy I love you.’  Me (mentally): ‘shut the fuck up’.

Can’t forget about the middle child, the oldest daughter.  Thinking about it now, i don’t think she gets any of the ‘STFU’ treatment.  For her it’s more of the ‘WTF’ treatment in my head.  She doesn’t really get on my nerves or ask for crazy stuff or yell or cry or do crazy things.  My oldest daughter… she just says the most bat shit crazy stuff all the time.  The other day she started crying at the dinner table because she wanted to pet a bird but her shoes were too loud so she couldn’t sneak up on them.  What?!?!?! WTF!?!?!  Or when she asked me questions, with the straightest of faces, like… ‘Can cats eat other cats?’ ‘WTF!’  A lot of times she just makes up some off the wall statement and ends the sentence with ‘right dad’ and I just look my beautify baby girl in the eyes and say ‘Yep’, then look at my wife with the most concerned look on my face.  I know it’s all harmless, and she is discovering who she is.  It’s just her expressing her creativity, but sometimes I really don’t want to debate why worms only have one mouth or why a turtle can’t eat an alligator.  So not so much ‘STFU’ with her, it’s more ‘WTF’.

Then there is my Mrs. Justadaslife… you know what… this thing is long enough, maybe next time… (I also don’t want to get my throat cut in my sleep.)  So in closing, it’s ok to let out a ‘STFU’ every now and again, but only if it’s mentally or to babies under the age of 1 (you know, because of science and stuff.).